2018: The Finale

This morning was absolutely bananas. Not the good kind. I’m talking about rotten bananas. Yes.

This morning, I had absolutely one of the WORST panic attacks to this day that I’ve ever experienced. It was debilitating. I honestly thought I was about to leave this Earth. I have never been so scared in my life.

To start the morning off, I didn’t really sleep well, so waking up was interesting since I felt weird. Nonetheless, I got up and started my day. I sat down for a few minutes, breathed in and out slowly and then started praying because, if some craziness were to occur today, I didn’t want it to, for lack of better words, ruin the last day of 2018. So, I took some time to meditate and pray, and I felt better.

Once I got to work, got to my desk and started booting everything up for the day, I started to pack up a device we had to ship out. As I was walking down to the warehouse to drop off the package, I felt the small tinges of a panic attack trying to creep up and mess me up already this morning. As I felt my heart rate begin to increase, I told myself to just keep moving and to not draw attention to myself. I made it to the warehouse, but the package I needed to drop off, I couldn’t drop off since the warehouse was closed. They told me I needed to drop the package off at the front desk for FedEx to pickup.

Not the good kind. I’m talking about rotten bananas.

My heart rate still increasing, and as I’m trying to control and focus on my breathing, I make my way to the front desk reception area. Once I opened the door to the front desk area, everything just went awry. Focusing on my breathing worked to no avail. My heart rate now racing exceedingly fast as if Danica Patrick herself was driving it, I threw the package down that I was carrying into one of the waiting area chairs for visitors, flew open the front door and ran outside to the parking lot in the rain. Weakness was taking over my body, yet I still found myself running around the parking lot like a weirdo trying to ward off this panic attack and tell myself that I’m okay.

At this point the rain was steadily increasing, but I didn’t care as it was cooling down my body’s momentarily increased temperature. I pulled out my phone and called my mother since at some point, my vision became a little blurry and I thought I was going to pass out right in the middle of the wet parking lot. Still, though I felt extremely weak, here I was, alone, continuing to run around the parking lot of my work place. Though my 95% of my body was weak, there was an odd strength in my legs. I kid you not, I felt like someone was holding me up and refused to let me fall.  

As I was talking to my mother on the phone, I was saying to her in a panicked breath, “Gosh, Mom, I know I’m okay because I’m out here, moving around and talking to you. Clearly, I’m fine! But this is the craziest thing, I can’t believe this is happening right now. This would happen on the last day of the year,” as I tried to let out a little laugh. Meanwhile as the call went on, and I’m still walking around, now in circles at this point (like a weirdo), my mom kept telling me how blessed I am, how I made it through so much this year, and that the devil is just trying his hardest to take me out and he can’t seem to do so. Though she was telling me things I already know, it’s different to hear someone else say these things to you. As if it’s an extra reminder. She kept telling me that God has me, and don’t I know it! Finally, this bizarre panic attack thankfully began to subside as I made my way back into the building, now pretty damp from the rain.

Here’s the kicker to this story, and you can’t tell me God isn’t real: Once back inside, I picked up the package I threw down and approached the lady sitting at the front desk window. I began to apologize to her if she had seen me hurriedly throw down the package I was holding and fling open the front door like a madwoman. While I was apologizing to her though, tears started just flowing nonstop. If you know me, I really don’t like crying in front of people at work (though by now it’s happened at least five times, LOL). The lady got up with a quickness, entered the lobby and began hugging me tight and praying, just like that. I had never been so grateful, and I say this because, you never know who shares the same beliefs with you wherever you go. She didn’t know that I shared the same belief in God either, but she didn’t let that stop her.

I kid you not, I felt like someone was holding me up and refused to let me fall.  

Once she finished praying, as tears still were flowing out of my eyes, she sat me down in the lobby and started talking to me some more. Wouldn’t you know it, she began to speak about things that I have not told anyone at work. Not a soul. Nobody. It’s times like that, that God reminds us that He is VERY real and that He is listening to us, watching us, keeping us and sees every tear that falls. While I’m sitting there once again amazed with God, and she’s just telling me all those things, she reinforced a lot of the things I had been praying heavily about in these past two weeks.

These past two weeks, I mean I have really been praying fervently, and it’s been out of nowhere. I believe that I have felt a shift in my life and a lot of great, wonderful and amazing things are about to take place in which glory will be brought to God’s name as He uses me.

Well this explains that powerful panic attack which I felt was about to take me out, doesn’t it?

Ol’ dude satan basically said, “Oh naw. We can’t have that, now can we?” Well, guess what, BOY (prepare for the corniness):

“I’m living my best life! I ain’t going back and forth with you satan!”


Haha, though this actually did happen this morning, I wanted to share this story with you all as a reminder that, no matter how hard the enemy tries to strike you, as long as you remember that no weapon formed shall prosper, that you are a mighty child of God, and that GOD’S GOT YOU, that everything will be all right. Trust in Him, reignite your Faith and let’s hit the ground running for 2019.


I hope you all have a very Happy New Year! Stay safe, be responsible, pay attention to your surroundings (put that dern phone down) and make good choices if you’re going out to celebrate!!

🎇🎆🎇🎆🎇

Don’t Throw People Away

I took a trip to NJ earlier this year to visit my family. One of my aunts celebrated her 60th birthday.

While we were there, we stopped by and visited my grandfather (my dad’s father). Like we normally do when we all stop by and visit him when we’re in town, we sit in the downstairs living room and just discuss a plethora of things. We laugh, we get super serious, we cry, and then we laugh some more.

At one point, my mother brought up a moment that happened earlier this year when she was dropping my grandmother (her mom) off at her Wellness Center one morning. She described that many elderly people (and even young ones) with and without disabilities get dropped off by their loved ones or caregivers, and while she was describing this, her tone changed to sadness.

Her tone changed to sadness because, while these people are dropping off their family members or friends, they don’t tell them “goodbye,” or “I’ll see you later,” or “I love you.” By this point, my mom had tears in her eyes.

There was one older lady in particular that my mother watched get dropped off one day and the person that dropped her off didn’t say a word to the woman she was leaving. In fact, she was kind of rude with the person she was dropping off. On top of that, the older lady looked slightly sad and maybe even a little angry. As this was happening, my mom was walking in my grandmother to get her signed in. By this time, the person who dropped the woman off had already left, and my mom was getting ready to leave as well. My mom always makes a point in telling my grandmother, “Have a good day, I love you and I’ll see you later.” The other elderly lady who was still in the room thought my mother was telling her this, so she turned around, smiled at my mother and said to her, “I love you too” then proceeded to walk into the rest of the center.

Wow. What a day changer that can be for someone!

It’s a big deal in my family to say “I’ll see you later” instead of “Bye”, whenever we have to depart from one another for the time being. It’s an even BIGGER deal to make sure we tell each other that we love each other, even if we just had an argument and no body is trying to say that to anyone at the moment in time (haha). Yet, we still do it. We still say we love each other because, it could be the last chance we have to do so, and we don’t want to regret not letting each other know that we love each other despite how crazy we can be sometimes. Or how difficult we can be sometimes. Or how almost unforgiving we can be sometimes. Because we never know.


As we go throughout life, sometimes we tend to treat those who are advanced in their age almost as if they are a burden, they don’t know what they’re talking about half the time, they’re too closed minded for any real conversation or anything meaningful to get through to them or they’re just completely senile.

This is not true.

They are still people. People who are wise. People who still need to know that someone is there for them. That someone is listening to them. That someone cares about them. That someone loves them. They still matter. After all, they are the ones that raised us. Took care of us and nurtured us as we started finding our way through life.

So why is it that people, when our elders become elders…we start treating them like that? Why do we start to “throw them away,”?

Perhaps, and I’m speaking for myself because at one point I was guilty of doing so and I was wrong for doing it, but. Perhaps, it’s because we don’t want to accept that they’re getting older. That they are starting to lose heartwarming memories. That they physically aren’t able to do the things they used to be able to do. Perhaps it’s making us so angry that it’s happening, that we project that anger onto them. They don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve to be thrown away, not after everything a lot of them have done for us.

I may be speaking about taking care of our elders and not throwing them away because of their age and/or disabilities, but this goes for everyone in our lives. We are all valuable, precious children of God, and we need to treat each other as such.

As the year ends, just take some time to reflect and see if you’ve unintentionally “thrown someone away” because you were angry at them, because they were dealing with something personal and it was unfortunately affecting the relationship you had with them, because of a disability, because of a misunderstanding, or even because of their age. If you’ve done this, I pray that there’s still a chance to pick them back up and show them that you care. Tell them that you love them. If you can, give them a great ginormous bear hug. Apologize if you need to apologize for whatever, and hopefully end the year on a good note so that the new year can positively start.


Thank you to all my readers, and followers and supporters and everyone. God Bless and I hope you all have a Happy New Year! 🎆🎇✨

Animal Crossing: Life Preparation

First…I want to start off with an apology about my last blog post. You know how we all have those moments…heh heh..yeah..ANYWAY.


SO TODAY…*drumroll* We are going to be talking about none other than the game:

Animal Crossing: Wild World

Animal_Crossing_Wild_World

This is the first time I’ve ever extensively talked about a game on any of my social media, so I’m excited, you should be too. Bianca, why are we talking about this game today? That’s a great question everyone, and I’m definitely going to tell you why in 3…2…1…

ALL RIGHT. I decided to talk about this game today because I recently picked it up out of my good ol’ DS case and started playing it again. I’m that person who likes to keep all of their old gaming systems so that I can reminisce on the good days past by immersing myself in the joys of my childhood.

What made me start playing AC:WW again though is Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp. If you haven’t checked it out or heard of it, it’s a free game in the App Store and it’s super cute and fun.

PocketCamp1

Right, so on with my story. One day, once I got home from work, I got the urge to find my charger for my dusty DSi, charge it, and fire up AC:WW. (Okay, the DSi isn’t that old, but there isn’t much you can do with it now seeing as how all the DSi Ware no longer exists, I digress). I was super excited about playing my old game again! It brought back this flood of memories as I was figuring out how the game played out all over again. When the game started, and of course the title screen came up and the theme music started playing, I looked at the top half of my DSi and saw the year said 2005.

intro

2005 PEOPLE! My goodness! It’s been twelve years since this came out. I was in 5th grade in 2005. I was totally obsessed with this game, but it brought me so much joy.

After getting all emotional and what not, I started the game, erased the town that was already saved on the game card because I had no idea where I left off and I figured it was a good idea to start completely over (run-on sentences, bad). Once I got past the whole town setup portion and was actually able to go out into the world and start exploring it again, I started realizing something. Unbeknownst (ooo big word) to my 11 year old self, but now fully identifiable to my 22 year old self…this game was preparing you for the real, difficult and sometimes depressing phenomenon that is -gasp-…Adulthood.

Y’all, this game had us working at a job as soon as we arrived into the town (which, by the way is TOTALLY UNREALISTIC) which was a huge blessing because…you start off with no monies. None. Nada. You’re given this house in which you could probably hear the dust mites moving around because it was STUPID EMPTY. You also start off with getting to know maybe 3 neighbors, which are all animals by the way (hence the name Animal Crossing). There’s just so much thrown at you once you move in. Kind of like how real adulting is. Once you get out of college or move out from your parents, everything is just thrown at you and you either sink or swim for those initial six months LOL.

Mind you, this game is in real time. As the game progresses, you get laid off almost as immediately as you start working. That’s right, you get to keep this job for a whole day or two! EXCITEMENT. That really depends on how fast you perform your duties. Once that happens, you must start making a living for yourself by catching and selling fish and insects, harvesting fruit, running errands for your neighbors, selling your own furniture that you don’t need anymore, ETC. Unless you got blessed with some online friends who let you come to their town where they had this massive horde of bells (the currency in the game) and rained down all the shiny glory onto you for the free.

bells
BELLS FOR DAYS

Unfortunately, they shut down Nintendo WFC in 2014. You can no longer venture out and not be all alone in your town talking to yourself. (However there is a wonderful group of people who decided: HEY. THIS WAS A GREAT THING TO HAVE. LET’S BUILD A WHOLE SERVER SO WE CAN ALL KEEP PLAYING TOGETHER. YAY, CHILDHOOD! Bless them. God Bless them.)

I miss that so much. Exchanging friend codes, seeing other towns and the creativity we used to put into the game? It was great. If you missed it, you missed a great time.

Other things this game has you doing that is eerily similar to actual adulthood include:

lyle
That’s Lyle

purchasing Accident Insurance from this random weasel named Lyle who shows up at your front door a few days into the game, paying off a mortgage for your house remodeling from the same raccoon named Tom Nook who hired you and laid you off within the same day (and these mortgages are STEEP people. Just to add a second floor is something like 580,000 bells!),  saving money in a bank account at the town hall (in which you earn interest for your saved bells), flea marketing your unwanted furniture…AND SO MUCH MORE!

Mortgage
This is just the first mortgage installment…wait did this guy say “a mere”

Another cool thing is…you get the chance to become a Fashion Designer, an Angler, an Archaeologist, a famous painting connoisseur , a whole Entomologist and an Astrologer! So, you catch fish (like I mentioned before), dig up fossils, identify if paintings are counterfeit, catch insects and study the stars (even getting the chance to create your own constellations). That’s totally awesome, right!?

The other aspect of adulting you get to experience that I’d like to mention is…you can share your home with three other people! YAY, ROOMMATES (be they wanted or unwanted…heh heh).

Nothing depressing about this AT ALL, but I assure you, you’re playing the game and you won’t even feel depressed because you’re so entranced by the attractiveness of adventure of owning your own home and more (unless you’re trying to buy this bomb piece of furniture and you only have 5 bells to your name at the time).

This game unknowingly prepared us for life as an adult. Playing at the age I am now has made me realize that, but at the end of the day, it’s such a great game and I believe it’s still worth it to play it. I mean sure, you can be all fancy and buy the more recent versions of Animal Crossing, but why not enjoy the second installment? (The first one came out on the GameCube and my parents unfortunately never got my brothers and I one of those when we were younger. It’s cool though).

Haha, anyway, I hope you got a kick out of reading this! I sure did typing it up lolol.


HAPPY DECEMBER EVERYONE! and Happy, Happy Birthday to my oldest brother. I love you man!

B.e.l.i.e.v.e.

via Daily Prompt: Believe

B is for…B – Oh, hey that’s me!

E is for…my middle name which shall not be disclosed.

L is for…Lazy – That’s what I am on the weekends (80% of the time)

I is for…I can’t seem to gain weight as fast as I want to right now. Yay, metabolisms! (Don’t be tricked, I love my small figure.)

E is for…Everybody love everybody.

V is for…Vacation. I haven’t been on one of those in forever. How does one vacation?

E is for…….”Everything I’m not, made me everything I am.”

I don’t know what that had to do with the post, but I finessed it, so there you go. Before I slide off this post for today, I have a few things left to say [bars] *gets on soapbox*:

I believe in me.

I believe in you.

I believe in family.

I believe in trust.

I believe in laughter.

I believe in naps.

I believe in those perfect napping positions.

I believe in hugs.

I believe in juice.

I believe in warm blankets.

I believe in anime.

I believe in those random almost forgotten memories that bring a smile to my face.

I believe in forgiveness.

I believe in pain.

I believe in healing.

I believe in bouncing the heck back from anything life may try to throw at us. The devil is a lie!

“I believe in you and me.”

“I believe that we will be.”

I believe in God.

I believe in love.

I believe that this is the end of this post.

Believe

 

Help Desk

All right everybody…it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…(mainly me).

I GOT A JOB! After 4 GRUELING months of wondering what the heck was going on in my post-grad life…God blessed me with a job! *7 Min Praise Break*

Y’all I have to say, I love it here. Everyone is so cool and laid back, and awesome! I’m already learning a lot! I’m in a Help Desk position (more specifically Systems Support Analyst), and I’m one of three women and the youngest person on the team (but it’s like that in most IT places from what I’ve observed in previous roles). Best believe I am holding it down over here, okaaaay. But no, all the guys are super cool and supportive! They’re hilarious too, and it’s even more awesome because we share a lot of the same interests. I’m just glad I can geek with more people about anime and video games whenever I want and not be judged for it LOL.

I’ll admit, it’s kind of weird not having to do homework after I get home from work. I can just come home, chill and do whatever else I want to do. It’s WONDERFUL. Adulting isn’t so bad after all once you find things to do.

I’m excited to see what else happens, what else I’ll get to learn and what else I’ll get to experience while working here!

Praise God!

Fall!

Fall is my first favorite season, followed closely by Winter! I love the beautiful colors that this season produces. Driving down the highway and just being mesmerized by the myriad of unique colors on the changing trees is always such a treat.

On College Ave., one of the main streets in the middle of UNCG’s campus, the colors that appear there are absolutely breathtaking. The only thing I don’t like too much is that it seems like the colors don’t last long before the leaves take their leave (slaps knee) from the branches to which they were attached.

Another thing I love the most about Fall (and Winter) is waking up to that crisp, cool air first thing in the morning when you step outside to see how cold it is haha. Just breathing that air in, gosh, there’s no feeling like it.

I also love the sweaters, layering of clothes, Charlie Brown stuff, and so so so much more! Everyone is getting ready for Halloween and Thanksgiving (and even Christmas). Also along with Fall returns those special seasonal flavors and scents at some of my favorite places to shop and eat. I absolutely love this season!

Hopefully this year it’ll be cold enough during the day to really enjoy it…LOL.

Escaping the Addiction

You know, it’s wild. I didn’t realize how much social media was ingrained in my daily routine until I took every single bit of it off of my phone two days ago. So much of my time I’ve spent endlessly scrolling and watching what others were doing, laughing at this or that, being depressed by a reminder of a failing relationship constantly wishing there was some magical way to fix it, wondering why it just isn’t working (because I “saw” how others’ relationships were smoothly going, at least that’s how it appears from the outside), or worrying about being harassed about which connections with people I choose to keep or not to keep.

It consumed me. Constantly seeing and being aware of all these things has made me feel like s**t. Made me feel as if I wasn’t of value, like I wasn’t succeeding, like everything was falling apart because I’m doing something wrong. Soon as I had that thought, I had to stop myself right then and there. I know I’m not doing anything wrong. I am of immense value and worth. Connection with me is a luxury and not everybody deserves it if it’s going to be abused. That’s how you should value yourself as well.

Social media is so much of an addiction, we don’t realize how bad it is sometimes. A lot of us think we are handling it, but are we really? Yes, social media has its good points, but too many people use it for the wrong thing. Because of this, a lot of us are left feeling like absolute crap and wondering why. It’s because we see these things that make us feel this way on a daily basis. Soon as we wake up, a lot of us are reaching for our phones, to see all the missed notifications that occurred while we were asleep. Some of us also fall asleep with that same phone or device in our hands, unable to let go until our body forces us to sleep (or not, because a lot of us stay awake through the night, being drawn in and unable to escape the allure of the fast paced, addicting, never sleeping, world that is social media).

It’s gotta stop somewhere. As a result of my addiction, like I’ve stated, I’ve been feeling a certain way. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’ve been forsaking myself, and because I’ve been forsaking myself, it’s affected a lot of relationships I have with those in my family that I care a lot about. I’ve been praying constantly to God for something to change so I can feel better, but how many of us know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity? By eliminating this factor (social media), I’ve already seen a significant change. It’s only been two days.

And another thing, none of us are obligated to respond to anyone (with that being said, don’t be rude about it). So if there are people badgering you, that you probably don’t even know, or people that you DO know are trying to start some mess online, all you can do is control your behavior and protect your peace! Don’t feed into that mess, because honestly, people are going to say whatever they want, we know this. That’s why we have blocking capabilities (and if you don’t like blocking people like myself, just don’t reply).

Aside from that aside, there’s nothing wrong with ditching the world of social media, be it for a short time or for forever, there’s nothing wrong with it. You’ll be surprised by how much other stuff you could be doing, rather than just sitting and scrolling your life away.

For me, instead of constantly scrolling and wondering why things aren’t working out in my family and personal life, it’s time to get my face out of my phone and interact like I’ve been needing to this whole time. It’s funny, because my life before social media? I used to interact VERY well. That’s why my connections prior to being submerged in the social media world are still so strong to this day.

By the way, if you’ve been trying to get in contact with me through social media, this is why. It’s not on my phone anymore. Pick up the phone (if you have my number), or write me a letter or something. If it’s urgent enough, you’ll find a way to get in contact with me. 

Also, new rule: if you’re spending time with me, you’re only allowed to check your phone for messages (not anything else. Text messages) three (3) times. Because we all have families, friends and most of us have boyfriends or girlfriends that we need to respond to and let them know where we are and that we are okay, but that’s it. If you get on your phone, I will politely get up and leave. There’s no time like the present, and you’ll have plenty of time to be on your phone when you’re alone. Or if it’s to take a picture (and another thing, everything doesn’t need to be posted)

Yeah it’ll be awkward because we lost that important, quality face to face interaction, but I’ll remember that awkward time and it’ll be something else to laugh and smile about.

Okay, I’ve blabbed on for quite some time now. This is just how I feel, you have every right to disagree.

Her Heart’s Desire

She really wants to cuddle.

She wants to be held in a warm, and loving embrace.

She wants to be told she’s beautiful (even though she already knows she is).

She wants to have numerous nap dates because her and her love both enjoy to relax that much.

She wants to talk about random things and be highly imaginative, and not get judged for it.

She wants to laugh for hours and be genuinely goofy with her love for no absolute reason.

She wants to be mad with her love if he’s mad about something (even if she may think it’s pointless to be mad).

She wants to just be in the company of of her love for no reason at all except for the fact that she simply just wants to be in his presence.

She wants to kiss and be kissed over and over again.

She wants to smile out of pure joy when she looks at him. Not because he’s her sole source of happiness, but because he’s happy and full of joy too. Seeing that gives her energy.

She wants to play video games for hours with her love just because they can and will feel no guilt about doing it.

She wants to go on late night adventures just for the heck of it.

She wants to have meme wars.

She wants her love to understand that her silence in his presence doesn’t mean something is wrong, but in fact everything is so right.

She wants to cruise with the windows down with R&B blasting and just be fully immersed in the moment and enjoying life with him.

She wants to sing and play on her guitar for him.

It doesn’t just stop here, she could go on and on…

But most importantly, she wants to be able to pray with and for him and lift him up. Be there for him as much as she can, when life allows her to.

She wants to love God with him, have a heart on fire for God with him, knowing that God’s got them no matter what happens.

She wants to be in pure, genuine love.

A feeling so liberating and so strong…