Mind if I vent for a few minutes? Well, I’m going to anyway since this is, y’ know, my blog. You don’t have to read it, haha. Feel free to do so if you would like.
Take a good look at the title of this post, because this is absolutely what I’ve been trying to do lately. I’m very upset with myself for trying to do so. It wasn’t purposeful though, it was more of an action that I’ve been subconsciously trying to do because of things that happen day to day.
I’m trying to escape reality, and in doing so, I’ve been watching entirely too much anime. The amount I watch, and how fast I watch has increased by a great amount these past 5-6 months. I’m going to be honest here and say that I wish my life could be similar to how the lives of the characters in the shows that I watch are. No, they’re not without strife or anything like that, but they just enjoy their lives so much. They’re so full of energy with literally almost everything. Then there are some characters who aren’t so much like that, but they’re still incredibly interesting. Of course, I know they’re written to be that way. Getting excited over the smallest of things, falling in love/chasing after the ones they love, doing things for others with the most genuine motivation and joy I have ever seen. Call me crazy, but I live vicariously through this. Why? My reality isn’t like that. Maybe I’m too focused on the negatives, meanwhile I’m trying to convince myself I’m focused on the positives. If anyone asked me right now how my life is going and if I’m enjoying it, I’d probably lie and say everything’s great. However, in actuality, I feel there’s a rain cloud of despair hovering over me everywhere I go.
But this is what I do, almost every day: Once I get home from work, I shut myself in my room, turn on the T.V. and my Xbox, and just escape into this false reality I know will never exist because I can’t deal with my own reality. I only come out when it’s time to eat or when I have to use the restroom to freshen up or relieve myself. I’m actually crying typing this up right now guys. Is this what they call depression…?
What about my faith and all that? Believe me, I pray about this a lot. Some days are better than others.
What about my friends? They’re there, I think. I may not talk to or interact with them a lot, but they’re out there.
I’m pretty sure my parents are constantly worried about me, and that’s not fair to them that I’m like this right now. Do therapists really help? I’ve seriously been contemplating going to see one.
But you know the thing about all of this…I shouldn’t be this way. I’m not even sure how I ended up this way. These past 5-6 months, I feel like I kind of snowballed to this point with everything that’s happened. No I’m not going into detail since it’s highly classified personal information.
Y’all, when I say I’m a mess right now…I’m not kidding.
Think what you want to of me after reading this, I don’t really care haha. I just didn’t want to keep this bottled up inside, so why not tell the world? Sorry for the sadness though everybody, I’m pretty sure I’ll be all right. Eventually.