2018: The Finale

This morning was absolutely bananas. Not the good kind. I’m talking about rotten bananas. Yes.

This morning, I had absolutely one of the WORST panic attacks to this day that I’ve ever experienced. It was debilitating. I honestly thought I was about to leave this Earth. I have never been so scared in my life.

To start the morning off, I didn’t really sleep well, so waking up was interesting since I felt weird. Nonetheless, I got up and started my day. I sat down for a few minutes, breathed in and out slowly and then started praying because, if some craziness were to occur today, I didn’t want it to, for lack of better words, ruin the last day of 2018. So, I took some time to meditate and pray, and I felt better.

Once I got to work, got to my desk and started booting everything up for the day, I started to pack up a device we had to ship out. As I was walking down to the warehouse to drop off the package, I felt the small tinges of a panic attack trying to creep up and mess me up already this morning. As I felt my heart rate begin to increase, I told myself to just keep moving and to not draw attention to myself. I made it to the warehouse, but the package I needed to drop off, I couldn’t drop off since the warehouse was closed. They told me I needed to drop the package off at the front desk for FedEx to pickup.

Not the good kind. I’m talking about rotten bananas.

My heart rate still increasing, and as I’m trying to control and focus on my breathing, I make my way to the front desk reception area. Once I opened the door to the front desk area, everything just went awry. Focusing on my breathing worked to no avail. My heart rate now racing exceedingly fast as if Danica Patrick herself was driving it, I threw the package down that I was carrying into one of the waiting area chairs for visitors, flew open the front door and ran outside to the parking lot in the rain. Weakness was taking over my body, yet I still found myself running around the parking lot like a weirdo trying to ward off this panic attack and tell myself that I’m okay.

At this point the rain was steadily increasing, but I didn’t care as it was cooling down my body’s momentarily increased temperature. I pulled out my phone and called my mother since at some point, my vision became a little blurry and I thought I was going to pass out right in the middle of the wet parking lot. Still, though I felt extremely weak, here I was, alone, continuing to run around the parking lot of my work place. Though my 95% of my body was weak, there was an odd strength in my legs. I kid you not, I felt like someone was holding me up and refused to let me fall.  

As I was talking to my mother on the phone, I was saying to her in a panicked breath, “Gosh, Mom, I know I’m okay because I’m out here, moving around and talking to you. Clearly, I’m fine! But this is the craziest thing, I can’t believe this is happening right now. This would happen on the last day of the year,” as I tried to let out a little laugh. Meanwhile as the call went on, and I’m still walking around, now in circles at this point (like a weirdo), my mom kept telling me how blessed I am, how I made it through so much this year, and that the devil is just trying his hardest to take me out and he can’t seem to do so. Though she was telling me things I already know, it’s different to hear someone else say these things to you. As if it’s an extra reminder. She kept telling me that God has me, and don’t I know it! Finally, this bizarre panic attack thankfully began to subside as I made my way back into the building, now pretty damp from the rain.

Here’s the kicker to this story, and you can’t tell me God isn’t real: Once back inside, I picked up the package I threw down and approached the lady sitting at the front desk window. I began to apologize to her if she had seen me hurriedly throw down the package I was holding and fling open the front door like a madwoman. While I was apologizing to her though, tears started just flowing nonstop. If you know me, I really don’t like crying in front of people at work (though by now it’s happened at least five times, LOL). The lady got up with a quickness, entered the lobby and began hugging me tight and praying, just like that. I had never been so grateful, and I say this because, you never know who shares the same beliefs with you wherever you go. She didn’t know that I shared the same belief in God either, but she didn’t let that stop her.

I kid you not, I felt like someone was holding me up and refused to let me fall.  

Once she finished praying, as tears still were flowing out of my eyes, she sat me down in the lobby and started talking to me some more. Wouldn’t you know it, she began to speak about things that I have not told anyone at work. Not a soul. Nobody. It’s times like that, that God reminds us that He is VERY real and that He is listening to us, watching us, keeping us and sees every tear that falls. While I’m sitting there once again amazed with God, and she’s just telling me all those things, she reinforced a lot of the things I had been praying heavily about in these past two weeks.

These past two weeks, I mean I have really been praying fervently, and it’s been out of nowhere. I believe that I have felt a shift in my life and a lot of great, wonderful and amazing things are about to take place in which glory will be brought to God’s name as He uses me.

Well this explains that powerful panic attack which I felt was about to take me out, doesn’t it?

Ol’ dude satan basically said, “Oh naw. We can’t have that, now can we?” Well, guess what, BOY (prepare for the corniness):

“I’m living my best life! I ain’t going back and forth with you satan!”


Haha, though this actually did happen this morning, I wanted to share this story with you all as a reminder that, no matter how hard the enemy tries to strike you, as long as you remember that no weapon formed shall prosper, that you are a mighty child of God, and that GOD’S GOT YOU, that everything will be all right. Trust in Him, reignite your Faith and let’s hit the ground running for 2019.


I hope you all have a very Happy New Year! Stay safe, be responsible, pay attention to your surroundings (put that dern phone down) and make good choices if you’re going out to celebrate!!

πŸŽ‡πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡

Your Blood Pressure is Precious

Now, you may be wondering what this post is about. I advise you to continue reading. πŸ‘€

Is this health related?

  • No, not really.
  • Okay, maybe just a little bit.

What’s so precious about it?


Haha, okay enough jokes for now. In all seriousness though, your blood pressure is precious. What I mean by that is:

If there’s one thing I learned this year, in this fine year of 2018, is to NOT let other people and their craziness, problems or what have you, RAISE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE.

There were countless times during earlier parts of the year where I found myself so infuriated, that I was getting lightheaded, couldn’t hardly think straight and just wanted to punch something. I’ve never experienced anger to that caliber before and let me tell you, it’s the worst feeling ever. When you’re that angry, it’s difficult to not lash out at others who are completely uninvolved in whatever you’re dealing with. Then when you come down from that heightened sense of anger, you feel like…to put it simply, you feel like crap. Supreme doo-doo. Anger doesn’t feel great at all, and when we let others affect our moods like this, in the long run, it won’t be healthy. For more reasons than one.

When we are dealing with difficult people in difficult situations, it’s important to go within in yourself in the moment, take a moment, analyze what the problem actually is and not let the words or actions of those involved set you off. Once that blood gets boiling it’s hard to cool down. If you discover that the problem doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you, great. Hold onto that, breathe and proceed to work with those involved to reach a resolution. If they’re not trying to cooperate, by all means, say you need to remove yourself until things calm down and then maybe try to revisit later. If they still aren’t cooperating, there’s not much you can do for them. The important thing is to not unnecessarily make their problem, your problem. However, if the problem involves you and you contributed to its creation, then work accordingly to come to a resolution. But resist letting the person, people or thing raise your blood pressure. Anger tends to make things worse (but being angry for the right reasons, helps).

Also, don’t turn to things like alcohol or other detrimental unnecessary substances that could potentially make matters worse (including your health) in an attempt to distract yourself from the situation(s) at hand.

As the year ends, just remember: Get angry for the right reasons. Being angry for the wrong reasons exacerbates things and fuels the fire (one of those fires being raised blood pressure 🌚).

❀❀❀

Don’t Throw People Away

I took a trip to NJ earlier this year to visit my family. One of my aunts celebrated her 60th birthday.

While we were there, we stopped by and visited my grandfather (my dad’s father). Like we normally do when we all stop by and visit him when we’re in town, we sit in the downstairs living room and just discuss a plethora of things. We laugh, we get super serious, we cry, and then we laugh some more.

At one point, my mother brought up a moment that happened earlier this year when she was dropping my grandmother (her mom) off at her Wellness Center one morning. She described that many elderly people (and even young ones) with and without disabilities get dropped off by their loved ones or caregivers, and while she was describing this, her tone changed to sadness.

Her tone changed to sadness because, while these people are dropping off their family members or friends, they don’t tell them “goodbye,” or “I’ll see you later,” or “I love you.” By this point, my mom had tears in her eyes.

There was one older lady in particular that my mother watched get dropped off one day and the person that dropped her off didn’t say a word to the woman she was leaving. In fact, she was kind of rude with the person she was dropping off. On top of that, the older lady looked slightly sad and maybe even a little angry. As this was happening, my mom was walking in my grandmother to get her signed in. By this time, the person who dropped the woman off had already left, and my mom was getting ready to leave as well. My mom always makes a point in telling my grandmother, “Have a good day, I love you and I’ll see you later.” The other elderly lady who was still in the room thought my mother was telling her this, so she turned around, smiled at my mother and said to her, “I love you too” then proceeded to walk into the rest of the center.

Wow. What a day changer that can be for someone!

It’s a big deal in my family to say “I’ll see you later” instead of “Bye”, whenever we have to depart from one another for the time being. It’s an even BIGGER deal to make sure we tell each other that we love each other, even if we just had an argument and no body is trying to say that to anyone at the moment in time (haha). Yet, we still do it. We still say we love each other because, it could be the last chance we have to do so, and we don’t want to regret not letting each other know that we love each other despite how crazy we can be sometimes. Or how difficult we can be sometimes. Or how almost unforgiving we can be sometimes. Because we never know.


As we go throughout life, sometimes we tend to treat those who are advanced in their age almost as if they are a burden, they don’t know what they’re talking about half the time, they’re too closed minded for any real conversation or anything meaningful to get through to them or they’re just completely senile.

This is not true.

They are still people. People who are wise. People who still need to know that someone is there for them. That someone is listening to them. That someone cares about them. That someone loves them. They still matter. After all, they are the ones that raised us. Took care of us and nurtured us as we started finding our way through life.

So why is it that people, when our elders become elders…we start treating them like that? Why do we start to “throw them away,”?

Perhaps, and I’m speaking for myself because at one point I was guilty of doing so and I was wrong for doing it, but. Perhaps, it’s because we don’t want to accept that they’re getting older. That they are starting to lose heartwarming memories. That they physically aren’t able to do the things they used to be able to do. Perhaps it’s making us so angry that it’s happening, that we project that anger onto them. They don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve to be thrown away, not after everything a lot of them have done for us.

I may be speaking about taking care of our elders and not throwing them away because of their age and/or disabilities, but this goes for everyone in our lives. We are all valuable, precious children of God, and we need to treat each other as such.

As the year ends, just take some time to reflect and see if you’ve unintentionally “thrown someone away” because you were angry at them, because they were dealing with something personal and it was unfortunately affecting the relationship you had with them, because of a disability, because of a misunderstanding, or even because of their age. If you’ve done this, I pray that there’s still a chance to pick them back up and show them that you care. Tell them that you love them. If you can, give them a great ginormous bear hug. Apologize if you need to apologize for whatever, and hopefully end the year on a good note so that the new year can positively start.


Thank you to all my readers, and followers and supporters and everyone. God Bless and I hope you all have a Happy New Year! πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡βœ¨

Promise Rings: Do you want one/Would you give one?

Lately I’ve been hearing more and more talk about promise rings. Maybe this is because I’m in that age range when people start thinking about who they’re going to marry, when they’re going to propose, and when they’ll actually get married (or actually getting engaged and married, haha). It’s really a hot topic of conversation amongst my peers, so it got me thinking:

If someone in a relationship is not ready to propose with the real engagement ring (for financial or other reasons), would you want a promise ring or want to give a promise ring in the interim?

Feel free to answer this question in the comments.


 

What are You doing with your Life?

This is the question I asked myself as I laid in my bed last night, staring at the ceiling, fighting back tears from the day’s events.

What are you doing with your life, Bianca? Why does it seem like everyone else my age is already doing some really extraordinary things?

So if you don’t know exactly what it is you’re supposed to be doing, just start doing some things. One of the best ways to find out what you’re supposed to do, is to do a few things and you’ll find out what fits and what doesn’t.

At that moment, I had to stop myself right there. I started comparing myself to everyone else again. Never, ever compare yourself to someone else. Their journey IS NOT your journey, so there’s no way a valid comparison could ever be made.

…how many times do we tell ourselves this, yet, it continues to happen?

You know what though, that’s okay. It’ll continue to happen for a little bit, and will eventually cease, if we identify it when it’s happening and stop comparing ourselves right away. It’ll also continue to happen for a little bit, because we are human and that’s just a tendency of ours.

So don’t sweat it. As long as we are trying our best, that’s all that matters. That’s all we can do.


Yesterday could’ve been a scene out of a movie. It was pouring down rain, and cold outside. I was looking pretty goodt (if I do say so myself). Hair popping, makeup POPPING, outfit POPPING. Yet, for the reason mentioned above, and other reasons that shall not be mentioned, at the end of the work day…I found myself walking out into the rain, letting it drench me from head to toe. I was in no rush to get inside my car, drive home, and get snuggled up in my bed. This was a completely different type of sad and “what the heck am I doing with my life” feeling I’ve ever experienced. I cried twice at work yesterday, one of those times happening embarrassingly in front of my boss.

She told me the same thing I said above: “It’s okay.”

Once I got home, I dried myself off, got cleaned up and crawled into bed. I turned on my Xbox hoping to distract myself from my sadness, yet it just kept knocking on the door. Instead of trying to suppress it, because honestly, suppressing it hurt worse, I let it in and cried again. While I was crying, I started to message one of my dear friends. I told her virtually the same thing you just read, still keeping other details out, since they were personal. I told her I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, and she told me the same thing I said above: “It’s okay.”

We talked a little more, while I managed to finish eating my dinner. At some point I dozed off.

This morning I was talking to God, and basically telling Him too, that I didn’t know what I was doing, and that I would earnestly try to stop comparing myself to others, and caring what others would say about my work. I told Him it was preventing me from really sharing the gifts He blessed me with, with others. I could be helping others.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, because no matter what I do, whatever I create, I know God will LOVE it. I also have to love it for myself too.

In closing…after I prayed, got ready for work and actually got to work, I opened up Instagram. Wouldn’t you know it, the first thing to appear on my feed was a video of Joyce Meyer, a video the First Lady at my church shared, saying this:

“I mean, I would have never thought this is what I would’ve been doing. I was a bookkeeper, I was a waitress. I was a credit manager, I was an office manager. I was a lot of things that seem to have nothing to do with being a preacher. But when the time came and God called me, I still had a long way to go, but all of those things I had done, I got experience in some way, shape or form that I’m able to use now. So if you don’t know exactly what it is you’re supposed to be doing, just start doing some things. One of the best ways to find out what you’re supposed to do, is to do a few things and you’ll find out what fits and what doesn’t. Like I tried working at the nursery at my church and it took about two weekends, and me and the kids both knew I was not a nursery worker.”

This was God responding to my prayer and saying that “It’s okay.πŸ’– ” too.


Happy Holidays πŸŽ„